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James Milner’s Bored to Death

Publish Date: 09/12/2019
Fact checked by: James Leeland

Betting.co.uk – James Milner’s sick note excuse: Chronic Boredom

“Alright gaffer, they don’t call me boring boring Milner for any old reason – I’m gonna be bored out of my tree until the New Year”

Liverpool may be one of the Premier League’s most exciting teams. But nobody’s going to deny the fact that James Milner is more boring than a match between Burnley and Sheffield United. After all, the most exciting thing we’ve noticed about Milner is the fact that his neck is wider than his head.

But wait! What about the fact that Milner has helped Liverpool finally get that Premier League title? This might be true, but it’s hard to explain what the footballer actually does. We all know that Salah scores the goals, Mane gets angry because Salah scores the goals, and Firmino concentrates on his hair. But what Milner does is a complete mystery to us.

James Milner’s Wikipedia page says that he is ‘a versatile player’. We think that this probably means that Klopp doesn’t have a clue what to do with the guy because he’s so boring. Maybe Milner gets his place in the team just to make Jordan Henderson look charismatic?

Maybe we’re being harsh on Milner. After all, the footballer has revealed himself to be a fan of cutting edge musical artists like erm, Rihanna. Plus he’s been known to drive around the streets of Liverpool in a Mercedes. All of the hallmarks of a man who isn’t afraid to push the boundaries of taste, right?

At the ripe old age of 34, it looks like time might be running out for Milner to finally get interesting. We’re not suggesting that he goes all Maradona on us and starts shooting air rifles at journalists.

But something like a Harry Maguire-esque blunder could at least make things a bit less dull. Sadly, as it stands, James Milner is like the bloke who comes round to fix your boiler. Dependable, but you don’t want to get trapped in a conversation with him.

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